quitting weed is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m not hungry if I don’t smoke so I don’t feel like eating, I can’t fall asleep if I don’t smoke so I’m not sleeping. didn’t realize my hunger and sleep cues were so controlled by my smoking. I’m trying to stay positive as my brain recalibrates to this new normal. I realized that my biggest craving is the ritual related to smoking rather than actually getting high. it’s a familiar ritual I’ve had for years and as an adhd person it’s the only ritual routine I’ve ever been able to stick to. I learned that neurotypical people basically have an autopilot mode for their daily routines – they don’t have to think about it they just do it. I envy that so much as a person who struggles with sticking to a routine – everyday I wake up it’s like a pick your own adventure game. I have to consciously think to do basics, there is no auto pilot mode where I can tune out and still do the things. every fucking thing down to brushing my teeth and combing my hair is a conscious concerted effort I have to focus on and that’s exhausting. routines are so hard for me I have to write down a step by step am and pm routine checklist of the most basic shit – part of me is definitely addicted to the dopamine hit I get when I cross something off a to do list and another part of me genuinely needs the list as a reminder to stay on track. the trap of being “high functioning” with adhd is that it makes it sound like u can function at unusually high levels, they never tell u you’re high functioning for an adhd person but the average neurotypical person has a much easier time accomplishing the same exact things.

I once dated a guy who had never gone through depression before, he had no concept of suffering daily life while wanting to disappear. it astonished me. I didn’t know people could just live without ever experiencing depression, I thought everyone goes through depression at some point but nope, there are people out there who have never been depressed. I wonder what it’s like to be one of the lucky ones, unafflicted by a crippling cloud that looms over them, able to function on autopilot.